andthequestionis,wasimorealivethenthaniamnow?

I wonder almost every single day why you made it so that certain things could never be expressed, whether that be by words, paintings, music, etc. I wish I could save everyone and everything, even myself. I wish I could save myself from falling into deep plunder where I only bask myself in fear, anxiety, loneliness and frustration. I wish I could save the people I love most--my family, from falling into their habitual sins just as I do mine. If I could pick, I'd want to save them first because I would rather suffer and see them all happy instead of the other way around. I wish I could save my dad from drowning back and forth between himself and his inexorable mind. I wish I could save my sister from her pre-determined suffering and getting lost into self-depletion. I wish I could save my mama from feelings of despair and fear from burden, and losing control. I wish I could save myself from hating myself for not being able to help any of them on my own accord, for beating myself up for feeling inadequate as a daughter and sister and person. But mostly I wish that I was even half the person was wishing I am right now; I wish that I could let these people know that I love them more than all of the obstacles I've overcome. This writing all feels purposeless and all talk because it's true. When the one's I want to know won't know, what's the point of writing this anyways? To people I love. I wonder why you made this such a challenge for me. I wonder why I can be the friendliest person to others or I can chalk up a conversation with strangers in the elevator, but I can't do what matters. When me expressing my concern and love could possibly save us. Why aren't there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts OUT? And in the end, all of this makes no sense...again...because it's wrapped up in this blog text box...and my heart is nothing close to replicating a mere technological blog text box where I push submit.